Writing and The New Year

okay so it's been a while.

my psychology textbook says that writing for a few minutes each day will help calmness and soothe the little traumas that happen every day, so here goes.
it will be topic-focused, hence there will be titles (mainly to keep myself from going off-topic, which is VERY likely).

the new year symbolises a fresh beginning. dates and years and time itself is immaterial and unimportant, because The New Year is a symbol, not so much a significant time in itself. the world still turns and leap years and everything make calculations inaccurate. so the symbol of the New Year is something that holds the most power.

for a fresh beginning, i guess one thing that i would like to change for the better is my direction in life. specifically, my future career and how i'm going to get my personal life together. where should i live? how do i get there? when should i start planning my journey for? all these questions just come together and nudge me in the head from time to time. the challenge is holding on to these dreams and hopes and thoughts and not letting the everyday distract me from them. more positively, i should see the everyday as stepping stones to enable me to reach those goals. i don't want to be stuck in a rut where i've reached a point in life where i don't know how i got there or what i'm going to do next, or when everything just hits me suddenly that i've gone down the wrong path or that i haven't done enough (the former being the bigger problem because for the latter, we still have time, and 2-3 years more to achieve the dream isn't that big a deal).

i have to start with a fresh approach to meeting guys as well. like what kashish said (and secretly, i've probably been saying that to myself too, just that he made it clear and gave me an impetus on what to do), i should start KNOWING who the gay guys in my university are. at least just knowing who they are would give me something to work with or to start on. that means coming out to more people, which isn't without its own risks. but honestly, it's worth it for what might come out of it. someone to love and who loves me back.

the situation with my parents? it's slowly, glacially deteriorating. well the ceasefire is not without its costs. i can feel the patience and the cover-ups slowly wearing thin. but...maybe this is the only option left, since ben said that the best thing that i can do right now is to let it hang. because they're stubborn. i guess that's where i get it from. heh. knowing that you're selfish isn't as bad as not knowing and still being it. so...this new year, the relationship with my parents i hope to get better, but i am still at a loss on how to bring it about. we shall see.

apart from those major things, studying is less pressing and i shall keep doing (or try to) what i have been doing all this time in university, for it is paying off and i see its results. although i'm not sure whether all that is worth it - it made me realise that i don't place much importance on grades. but if i don't put importance there, then where does it go? need to figure this out as well. friendships? resume-worthy activities? something else?

hmm. looks like writing really helps you sort out your thoughts and dig deeper into me as a person. i just hope i don't become like papa, who moralises everything towards the same point of view. it's nearsighted and not accepting of contraries.

timo~