my new computer is here. it's gorgeous. and amazing. it feels like i finally have an electronic companion that is really worthy of my effort and time.

i'm writing this mainly because i want to get a further feel of the typing of the keyboard. but the topic today is about my thesis.

i've started thinking about it more often now because of the lab that i'm working at. my first internship. it's like a dream. a tiring, bizarre dream that doesn't really seem to end at the end of the day. it kind of just continues, dreamlike, into my home and then back again on the bus to work the next day. strange feeling. maybe probably due to the nagging tiredness i feel constantly since starting work on wednesday? (it's friday now. tmr's pinkdot 2015.)

well. i'm reading about doing up a thesis and compiling a list of practical articles that would help me manage writing the thesis well. it seems like it's going to be very emotionally draining. i wonder why.

i think the experience of going through the internship will help me. working is very different from studying. it feels more relaxed and more panicky at the same time. no one will chase you for work, but you have to do SOMETHING to keep yourself attractive and busy to the firm that hires you. so everyone is half keen and half exhausted. i dunno, maybe it's just my subjective interpretation. i must admit, it has been kind of a culture shock entering an actual workplace. the people are brilliant though. they are just magnificent and i couldn't have asked for a friendlier, more open workplace to start with.

so. my thesis. yeah. i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. i wonder if i did the right thing heading to SMU for my degree. but yeah, time will tell. and as long as i keep my head up and stay positive about my options, i should be doing above average. =)

time to read that Umberto Eco book. goodnight world.

i think college and school gives you a controlled, directed environment to work in. consequences are that you feel busy, more purposeful, and more energetic getting things constructively done, but the flip side is that you don't really have time to slow down, to think about what REALLY drives you in life, and what you must do to drive yourself onwards. for starters, finding a job that really keeps you going. it's going to be a marathon, and not necessarily a super happy one all the time, but at least you will be rewarded with the feeling of a hard-earned happiness and purpose. one that you accomplished by yourself, all the way from the start. the initiative you put in will really startle you at the end. and then you will feel connected and contributing to the world. whether in truths, in science, or in administration.
forget bankers. i don't think they're at the stage now to actually prize the right things. maybe once upon a time they did. and then the love of money came into the picture and fucked everything upside down. not literally of course.

I had to break myself to carry on
No love and no admission
Take this from me tonight
Oh, let's fight
Oh, let's fight
Oh, let's fight
Oh

And oh, oh, oh
I was a king under your control
And oh, oh, oh
I wanna feel like you've let me go
So let me go

- Years & Years, "King"

And oh my love remind me, what was it that I did?
Did I drink too much?
Am I losing touch?
Did I build this ship to wreck?

To wreck, to wreck, to wreck,
Did I build this ship to wreck?