Singing.
Magic: The Gathering.
League of Legends.
Guild Wars 2.
Reading.
Writing poetry.
Playing the guitar.
Bicycle rides.
Rollerskating.
Skateboarding.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Friday, March 07, 2014
Pissed. Off.
i am so fucking pissed off.
it started with me dropping my keys in the drain, and i couldn't get them. and then now anger is coursing through my veins. IT'S LIKE THE PAST FEW DAYS AND WEEKS OF SMILES AND HAPPINESS HAS JUST EVAPORATED AWAY LIKE THE SURFACE OF SKIM MILK. there's nothing underneath. nothing i really fell right to my heart. it's just empty. i miss the company of normal people. i miss being me. i miss not adjusting. i hate university life, with all its hi-bye people and all the well-dressed and well-heeled people walking around me. i don't hate them personally, i just hate how they have been produced by the system, and how they are part of it, and how they try to distance themselves from it but embody it nonetheless. i hate being forced into things that i don't wanna do, those subjects that i've purposely distanced myself from. don't tell me it's for my own good, or to expand my horizons, or something that'll help me in the future, or something i "just have to pull through" and "tahan". fuck all that. fuck you. fuck this shit. i don't wanna do it, i know i have to, but just, for once, fuck it. fuck it. i mean it, for once, from the bottom of my heart, fuck it. i am so emotionally distanced from it right now. fuck the workload. i know it's inevitable, and i know people out there in africa or some third-world country are suffering, but right now my suffering feels as frustrated and as great as theirs. and i say fuck it. i don't have to put up with it. my emotions are raging so furiously right now, that i seriously and simply cannot compromise.
it's not that the world isn't going according to what i expected it to be. it is, and all the randomness in my life, i like it. i cherish it for the experiences it'll give me. i just don't want unwanted things to come into my life right now, that i can't, for the life of me, learn anything from, or seem to attempt to learn anything from. oh, and i'm sick of being politically correct, socially. i want to fit in, but if it has come to this, i mean, i don't understand where you guys are coming from and i don't understand your lingo. and i don't have to GUTS to do anything about it except sit in a corner and wait for someone from the group to approach me. i want to talk to you guys like your lives mean something. and then i get angry because of these expectations and because i know that you guys really aren't capable of that. you guys have the feelings and opinions equivalent of those of a small cat's or a domestic animal's. it's all told to you. you're told how to feel. you're told how to relate to things. you're told that you can only approach things from certain angles. there are some things you don't even feel the need to discuss or relate yourselves to. just, PLEASE, show some emotion and some human feeling when you're talking about issues related to the real world? please? i mean, the world is bigger than singapore. i want opinions. i don't have all the opinions, but at least i'm INTERESTED in finding out yours. and i cherish those opinions. it makes me respect you. it makes me happier that there are people in the world interested in other things than those just around them. which is why C is such a weird paradox - so deeply involved in world politics and yet so conservative and cautious in his outlook. i dislike it, but i respect that he at least has well-thought-out opinions. so yeah, you guys could definitely look into that area of yourselves and improve.
well, my venting is running out of steam, but i just want to look at myself and still see the child within, the emotional being that i am. at least for now. go back to the basics. and see what i really want, what i will really treasure. no considerations about work. that has taken over my life so much that i can barely see where i'm going. finding my way around in the dark, grasping for half thought-out opportunities that hardly affect me whether i get them or not, and gut-punching me where i least expect them.
i'm feeling the urge to write poetry again. that's a sign of feeling lonely and having nowhere to turn to. ah. i need to socialise again, with genuine friends that aren't just hi-bye. and i need to let off some steam on work - it's consuming me. "time management" won't mean shit, honestly, with me. to some extent yes, but definitely not in the long run. it just means "fucking up your emotional state". driving yourself crazy with work, one hour at a time.
my stomach is kinda rumbling.
it started with me dropping my keys in the drain, and i couldn't get them. and then now anger is coursing through my veins. IT'S LIKE THE PAST FEW DAYS AND WEEKS OF SMILES AND HAPPINESS HAS JUST EVAPORATED AWAY LIKE THE SURFACE OF SKIM MILK. there's nothing underneath. nothing i really fell right to my heart. it's just empty. i miss the company of normal people. i miss being me. i miss not adjusting. i hate university life, with all its hi-bye people and all the well-dressed and well-heeled people walking around me. i don't hate them personally, i just hate how they have been produced by the system, and how they are part of it, and how they try to distance themselves from it but embody it nonetheless. i hate being forced into things that i don't wanna do, those subjects that i've purposely distanced myself from. don't tell me it's for my own good, or to expand my horizons, or something that'll help me in the future, or something i "just have to pull through" and "tahan". fuck all that. fuck you. fuck this shit. i don't wanna do it, i know i have to, but just, for once, fuck it. fuck it. i mean it, for once, from the bottom of my heart, fuck it. i am so emotionally distanced from it right now. fuck the workload. i know it's inevitable, and i know people out there in africa or some third-world country are suffering, but right now my suffering feels as frustrated and as great as theirs. and i say fuck it. i don't have to put up with it. my emotions are raging so furiously right now, that i seriously and simply cannot compromise.
it's not that the world isn't going according to what i expected it to be. it is, and all the randomness in my life, i like it. i cherish it for the experiences it'll give me. i just don't want unwanted things to come into my life right now, that i can't, for the life of me, learn anything from, or seem to attempt to learn anything from. oh, and i'm sick of being politically correct, socially. i want to fit in, but if it has come to this, i mean, i don't understand where you guys are coming from and i don't understand your lingo. and i don't have to GUTS to do anything about it except sit in a corner and wait for someone from the group to approach me. i want to talk to you guys like your lives mean something. and then i get angry because of these expectations and because i know that you guys really aren't capable of that. you guys have the feelings and opinions equivalent of those of a small cat's or a domestic animal's. it's all told to you. you're told how to feel. you're told how to relate to things. you're told that you can only approach things from certain angles. there are some things you don't even feel the need to discuss or relate yourselves to. just, PLEASE, show some emotion and some human feeling when you're talking about issues related to the real world? please? i mean, the world is bigger than singapore. i want opinions. i don't have all the opinions, but at least i'm INTERESTED in finding out yours. and i cherish those opinions. it makes me respect you. it makes me happier that there are people in the world interested in other things than those just around them. which is why C is such a weird paradox - so deeply involved in world politics and yet so conservative and cautious in his outlook. i dislike it, but i respect that he at least has well-thought-out opinions. so yeah, you guys could definitely look into that area of yourselves and improve.
well, my venting is running out of steam, but i just want to look at myself and still see the child within, the emotional being that i am. at least for now. go back to the basics. and see what i really want, what i will really treasure. no considerations about work. that has taken over my life so much that i can barely see where i'm going. finding my way around in the dark, grasping for half thought-out opportunities that hardly affect me whether i get them or not, and gut-punching me where i least expect them.
i'm feeling the urge to write poetry again. that's a sign of feeling lonely and having nowhere to turn to. ah. i need to socialise again, with genuine friends that aren't just hi-bye. and i need to let off some steam on work - it's consuming me. "time management" won't mean shit, honestly, with me. to some extent yes, but definitely not in the long run. it just means "fucking up your emotional state". driving yourself crazy with work, one hour at a time.
my stomach is kinda rumbling.
Sunday, March 02, 2014
so...i've just been rejected by two interviews.
the first one i took quite harshly, because the interview kind of caught me by surprise. i didn't expect it to be so wit-oriented, so focused, and so impersonal. and it was the interview that was more personal and more meaningful to my personal life. i was kinda sleepy that morning too, which didn't help things. the questions they asked were direct, and sounded very accusatory to me. the feeling i was left with after the interview was that i was a bit cheated, and a bit baited into going for something that would tear me down this much. the people outside of the interview room were so nice, though. so civil. and yet i could sense something amiss, honestly. i sensed it when i was in the waiting room. why would you require us to dress up, and then you have an "informal" roundtable session with us? i'm not getting to the point here. the point is, it left me with a bad aftertaste in my mouth, and the advice of "just be yourself" didn't work for me in the end.
and so i wonder from this:
1. was i just a bad fit, after truly being myself?
2. was i a good fit, but unprepared for the interview?
3. was i a good fit, but lost my chance because i wasn't truly being myself during the interview?
these questions are the main ones that are feelings going around me at this time. i'm not clearly sad or upset, but i do feel it a bit. and i realise that i'm not weak in feeling these things, as it's because it's something i really wanted. and losing it just makes me upset. but it's for the best - this experience will teach me things that i will carry with me through my life.
the second interview was on the same day as the first, and thus i didn't feel like myself when i was entering the room. i felt sleepy, tired, and inarticulate and demoralised and unbalanced from the morning's interview. but it was a fun interview for a fun job and it went well. however, i just got the notice that i didn't make it, and thus am feeling slightly down. but this one did not mean as much to me as the first interview, and it frees up my holiday, so i don't feel as bad. the first one was a long-term committment that i was willing to put effort and time into for the long haul, and thus when the other party did not feel like they needed me, i was a bit upset. but things can't always go your way, even when you really want it to. i guess i'll just have to learn from this, and improve myself. the emotional down-ness also will help me to get back up on my feet faster the next time. i need more failures in my life to become a stronger person, and i hope these failures won't cost me too much that i would need more time than i do to get back up.
after receiving news of the outcome of both interviews, i feel a bit empty, as if i had invested a lot of my soul into them for nothing. practically, i guess right now i have to find another avenue to clear my cip hours, and i'll have to do it slightly more alone. hopefully i can find one that doesn't need me to contribute too much time. right now my priorities are not about community service, but about the career path i need to take with my life. in a way, i'm glad that the only path left to me, strongly left to me, that i feel for, is the path that takes me away from singapore. it leaves me no option, which eases the burden of choice (which i am generally quite bad at). since i'll have to live away from here, i'll have to give up things, which is hard but eventually it's gonna be okay. i have a positive attitude that i can take with me wherever i go. also, i'll need to find a job there that can pay the bills and that can allow me to live comfortably. in the process i'll have to learn some day care skills like cooking and cleaning. which is okay, i'll be more useful to my husband through that.
about my career right now, degree-wise, i'm stuck between psychology and political science. i don't know which one should be my second major.
psychology
- is interesting.
- opens a door to being a counselor, which is what i think i'd like to do, and which is also a stable job.
- i'm unsure of whether i've got the drive to do it in the long run - this can be fixed by finding an emotional centre in the job, and a sense of purpose that this job can contribute to my life.
political science
- is interesting.
- i might be able to score well.
- i'm unsure of what careers it'll lead me on.
one thing i'm clear of is that i don't want a job that coops me up in an office cubicle all day long. i don't mind working odd hours if needed (although this might change, once a family comes in the picture).
maybe i do need a makeover - a haircut, a shave, and contacts. a possible reason for my rejection is a silly one, but still possible - the superficial.
the first one i took quite harshly, because the interview kind of caught me by surprise. i didn't expect it to be so wit-oriented, so focused, and so impersonal. and it was the interview that was more personal and more meaningful to my personal life. i was kinda sleepy that morning too, which didn't help things. the questions they asked were direct, and sounded very accusatory to me. the feeling i was left with after the interview was that i was a bit cheated, and a bit baited into going for something that would tear me down this much. the people outside of the interview room were so nice, though. so civil. and yet i could sense something amiss, honestly. i sensed it when i was in the waiting room. why would you require us to dress up, and then you have an "informal" roundtable session with us? i'm not getting to the point here. the point is, it left me with a bad aftertaste in my mouth, and the advice of "just be yourself" didn't work for me in the end.
and so i wonder from this:
1. was i just a bad fit, after truly being myself?
2. was i a good fit, but unprepared for the interview?
3. was i a good fit, but lost my chance because i wasn't truly being myself during the interview?
these questions are the main ones that are feelings going around me at this time. i'm not clearly sad or upset, but i do feel it a bit. and i realise that i'm not weak in feeling these things, as it's because it's something i really wanted. and losing it just makes me upset. but it's for the best - this experience will teach me things that i will carry with me through my life.
the second interview was on the same day as the first, and thus i didn't feel like myself when i was entering the room. i felt sleepy, tired, and inarticulate and demoralised and unbalanced from the morning's interview. but it was a fun interview for a fun job and it went well. however, i just got the notice that i didn't make it, and thus am feeling slightly down. but this one did not mean as much to me as the first interview, and it frees up my holiday, so i don't feel as bad. the first one was a long-term committment that i was willing to put effort and time into for the long haul, and thus when the other party did not feel like they needed me, i was a bit upset. but things can't always go your way, even when you really want it to. i guess i'll just have to learn from this, and improve myself. the emotional down-ness also will help me to get back up on my feet faster the next time. i need more failures in my life to become a stronger person, and i hope these failures won't cost me too much that i would need more time than i do to get back up.
after receiving news of the outcome of both interviews, i feel a bit empty, as if i had invested a lot of my soul into them for nothing. practically, i guess right now i have to find another avenue to clear my cip hours, and i'll have to do it slightly more alone. hopefully i can find one that doesn't need me to contribute too much time. right now my priorities are not about community service, but about the career path i need to take with my life. in a way, i'm glad that the only path left to me, strongly left to me, that i feel for, is the path that takes me away from singapore. it leaves me no option, which eases the burden of choice (which i am generally quite bad at). since i'll have to live away from here, i'll have to give up things, which is hard but eventually it's gonna be okay. i have a positive attitude that i can take with me wherever i go. also, i'll need to find a job there that can pay the bills and that can allow me to live comfortably. in the process i'll have to learn some day care skills like cooking and cleaning. which is okay, i'll be more useful to my husband through that.
about my career right now, degree-wise, i'm stuck between psychology and political science. i don't know which one should be my second major.
psychology
- is interesting.
- opens a door to being a counselor, which is what i think i'd like to do, and which is also a stable job.
- i'm unsure of whether i've got the drive to do it in the long run - this can be fixed by finding an emotional centre in the job, and a sense of purpose that this job can contribute to my life.
political science
- is interesting.
- i might be able to score well.
- i'm unsure of what careers it'll lead me on.
one thing i'm clear of is that i don't want a job that coops me up in an office cubicle all day long. i don't mind working odd hours if needed (although this might change, once a family comes in the picture).
maybe i do need a makeover - a haircut, a shave, and contacts. a possible reason for my rejection is a silly one, but still possible - the superficial.
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