so...i've just been rejected by two interviews.

the first one i took quite harshly, because the interview kind of caught me by surprise. i didn't expect it to be so wit-oriented, so focused, and so impersonal. and it was the interview that was more personal and more meaningful to my personal life. i was kinda sleepy that morning too, which didn't help things. the questions they asked were direct, and sounded very accusatory to me. the feeling i was left with after the interview was that i was a bit cheated, and a bit baited into going for something that would tear me down this much. the people outside of the interview room were so nice, though. so civil. and yet i could sense something amiss, honestly. i sensed it when i was in the waiting room. why would you require us to dress up, and then you have an "informal" roundtable session with us? i'm not getting to the point here. the point is, it left me with a bad aftertaste in my mouth, and the advice of "just be yourself" didn't work for me in the end.
and so i wonder from this:
1. was i just a bad fit, after truly being myself?
2. was i a good fit, but unprepared for the interview?
3. was i a good fit, but lost my chance because i wasn't truly being myself during the interview?

these questions are the main ones that are feelings going around me at this time. i'm not clearly sad or upset, but i do feel it a bit. and i realise that i'm not weak in feeling these things, as it's because it's something i really wanted. and losing it just makes me upset. but it's for the best - this experience will teach me things that i will carry with me through my life.

the second interview was on the same day as the first, and thus i didn't feel like myself when i was entering the room. i felt sleepy, tired, and inarticulate and demoralised and unbalanced from the morning's interview. but it was a fun interview for a fun job and it went well. however, i just got the notice that i didn't make it, and thus am feeling slightly down. but this one did not mean as much to me as the first interview, and it frees up my holiday, so i don't feel as bad. the first one was a long-term committment that i was willing to put effort and time into for the long haul, and thus when the other party did not feel like they needed me, i was a bit upset. but things can't always go your way, even when you really want it to. i guess i'll just have to learn from this, and improve myself. the emotional down-ness also will help me to get back up on my feet faster the next time. i need more failures in my life to become a stronger person, and i hope these failures won't cost me too much that i would need more time than i do to get back up.

after receiving news of the outcome of both interviews, i feel a bit empty, as if i had invested a lot of my soul into them for nothing. practically, i guess right now i have to find another avenue to clear my cip hours, and i'll have to do it slightly more alone. hopefully i can find one that doesn't need me to contribute too much time. right now my priorities are not about community service, but about the career path i need to take with my life. in a way, i'm glad that the only path left to me, strongly left to me, that i feel for, is the path that takes me away from singapore. it leaves me no option, which eases the burden of choice (which i am generally quite bad at). since i'll have to live away from here, i'll have to give up things, which is hard but eventually it's gonna be okay. i have a positive attitude that i can take with me wherever i go. also, i'll need to find a job there that can pay the bills and that can allow me to live comfortably. in the process i'll have to learn some day care skills like cooking and cleaning. which is okay, i'll be more useful to my husband through that.

about my career right now, degree-wise, i'm stuck between psychology and political science. i don't know which one should be my second major.
psychology
- is interesting.
- opens a door to being a counselor, which is what i think i'd like to do, and which is also a stable job.
- i'm unsure of whether i've got the drive to do it in the long run - this can be fixed by finding an emotional centre in the job, and a sense of purpose that this job can contribute to my life.

political science
- is interesting.
- i might be able to score well.
- i'm unsure of what careers it'll lead me on.

one thing i'm clear of is that i don't want a job that coops me up in an office cubicle all day long. i don't mind working odd hours if needed (although this might change, once a family comes in the picture).

maybe i do need a makeover - a haircut, a shave, and contacts. a possible reason for my rejection is a silly one, but still possible - the superficial.