there are so many (a million and one) things going on and through my head and mind right now i don't know where to start or what to say, i just know i have to get them all out.

rage anger humiliation frustration pity joy enthusiasm excitedness worry uncertainty bleakness dreams.

number one, numero uno, i'm just so tired of complaining about my parents but i really have no other option left to me besides the unlikely one of writing a letter. it's so frustrating sometimes but i hate them so much right now. i thought i was over this phase but apparently not as you can clearly see. i've tried so hard to look at them in a different light and it was quite working for these past months and i've just gotten into the stride of it but they had to screw it up and i'm very unwillingly disappointed in them again. screw them. really. promise.
maybe i'm over-thinking things. but when the emotion strikes me at the moment, it really catches me up in itself and nothing else matters except it. isn't that proof that i'm not really working hard enough?

and whatelse there's so much hope in me still. hope away from the family. the things that comprise it are just too dominant to be looked at. so i ignore. looking at things that are hopefully going to happen with other people in other places in other times, with everything i'm not fully comfortable with but yet comfortable at the same time with the best of people. surrounded by what i love. what i wish for.

music is not a routine in life. music is life.

i've been meaning to put this song up for awhile now.
it's hope.

Relient K - Life After Death And Taxes (Failure II)

and this is how I choose to live
as if I'm jumping off a cliff
knowing that you'll save me
knowing that you'll save me
and after all the stupid things I did
there's nothing left that you'd forgive
because you already forgave me
yeah you already forgave me