so...i was just re-reading my blog.

gosh, not to heap self-praise, but i really took down the important stuff. yay me. =) and i'm drawing so much strength from it now.

well. the reason why i've turned to the blog is because i feel restless. why do i feel restless? because i'm heading to australia in six hours and the group of friends i'm with is nice but not homely. i'm hoping that we all can pull together and make this a fun one. doesn't have to be the greatest holiday ever, but at least a fun one where we all can enjoy time away from the controlled, familiar environment of home and Singapore.

this feeling is strange. it's lethargic, buzzing, throbbing, alert, nervous, anxious, and dismayed. wow absolutely no positive adverbs in there. but yeah. it kinda happens.

on to the weightier stuff that i intend to say.

Jessie Ware's music has really affected my these past few days, maybe a week or so. let me start with the quality of the music. it's enveloping to some extent, and her vocals are ethereal but not insubstantial. it's like standing in a large marble hall while someone is singing from the next room, with the connecting door a fair bit away from you. there's airiness, but half of the time strength and substance comes through with a surprising blast that makes you want to cry and smile at the same time. yes. i think i've got it right.

the thing is, i've fallen for someone (again?) and i really hope he's the one. my natural instinct is to fall really hard and start obsessing over the person, not for their qualities so much but for the idea of someone actually reciprocating. the yearning for that amazing sense of security you get when you know someone actually loves you. and the things that you both could do together.

it's also raised some questions within me. especially the one about what i can contribute to a relationship, no, let me phrase it better, i mean the question about why someone would not just fall for me but maintain a romantic, intimate emotional relationship with me. i'm always so insecure and self-conscious about everything, more than most people (i think), and sometimes even i wouldn't date myself. so that's kind of the root of the problem, of the worrying, of the undercurrent of anxiety - the flaws in myself that i don't shake off. when someone spots a flaw in you that you overlooked it's the worst feeling. it feels like you're not good enough, it feels like there's some betrayal to yourself that you didn't fix it (but fixing it takes effort, which is another problem). there's always that sentiment of not being good enough for the other person. it would take so much for someone else to persuade me that i'm good enough for them. maybe this would lead to trust issues or overattachment. that's for the future.

for now it's this uncertainty. what label are we supposed to put on ourselves? even though i generally don't like them, there's something comforting, effortless, and familiar about putting a label on something, in this case a relationship.

then again, it's only been five days since i actually started talking to him, so i need to find out more about him (to decide how much i should risk myself, put myself into this relationship). i think it's fucking crazy that i'm reacting emotionally like that, and i'm trying hard to stop. i'm even doing the fucking don't-reply-smses-immediately thing that i did with the other two. this time it's working better, but not good enough for me. acting aloof isn't the word, it's more of...not being fucking crazy and talking to the person 24/7. see this is what happens when the cycle starts - sms comes in, i immediately read and message (and it might be the most bland message ever, which starts a bland topic of conversation), and then i wait for the person's reply (and this is where the MOST ANXIETY happens), and then the reply comes back and i am doomed to carry on talking about bullshit when mostly i wanna say "I REALLY LIKE YOU CAN WE DATE AND THEN MAKE THIS SERIOUS ASAP" which is batshit crazy because i have only known the person for 5 fucking days. okay. phew. fuck me, i'm a creepy motherfucker.