and i'm back.

this might be another one-off thing, i don't know, only time will tell.

on to more important thoughts.

This thing with Szymon really puzzles me. It seems a relationship is a lot more than make it out to be, even if they've said it, you really only start to fully understand it when you're in one. At this point in time, the lesson learnt is: communication is key, at least for me. (That rhyme wasn't on purpose, makes it feel tacky haha). No but really. Maybe I prioritise it higher than other people, or maybe I just feel like it's really really important to maintain open channels of communication between the two parties. And yes, two parties, I don't believe that I can maintain a polygamous relationship. It's just...too distracting. And it's like doing it twice. If I loved both equally, sure, but there's bound to be favourites. And I just like my partner loving me uniquely, you know? It's the sense of security, the sense of really fully accepting and taking someone's love, without compare. Well. So about Szymon. PROS: He's got fantastic features and genes, he's honest, he's straightforward, he's open, he's interesting in a non-personal sense, he's tall, he's driven and passionate even with things that aren't clear in the present, he LIKES ME a lot. CONS: He's not very communicative about his feelings, he doesn't seem to talk about his personal life at all, I don't feel like he's showing me any interest, he doesn't initiate outings or conversations, he's lacking interpersonal communication skills, his hunch, his lips, his inability to take control.

Whew, got that out. Don't know what to make of it right now, the traits all seem very superficial and I don't have much to go on about them, maybe because I haven't seen him enough, maybe because we just don't click on a personal level, maybe we're more cut out to be friends than romantic partners. I don't know, could be any of those. I don't have the energy right now to pursue the matter too - all I can say is, I want to spend more time with him and we should do something that's more than sitting down and chatting - we should go for a proper fun date with an activity or activities to play. (Then again, two guys having fun with each other will probably lead to weird judgy stares and me feeling self-conscious, and thus not having the fun that I would really want with him). Maybe the reason why it isn't working as well as it should or the reason why I'm feeling this way is because I just go out feeling too self-conscious about the whole thing, and that he's not, that's why it's more natural for him to be himself and be at ease with me, and not overthink this whole thing. I don't have the energy to pursue this - maybe because I don't love him enough from the get-go to think that he's worth the effort to get to know. I keep checking out other guys as well - what do you make of that? I don't compare them to Szymon, but when a guy is hot, I appreciate it. What does this mean? Just tell me.

I should start writing poetry again. "The blood jet is poetry,/ There is no stopping it". Ah brilliant. Like song lyrics.

Only time will tell. Effort? Do I dare? It's pushing me to say yes, still. Funny how these things push you, deep down, even when you tell yourself something contrary.